I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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