You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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