Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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