Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize