I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
