my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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