I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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