My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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