it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
