Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
