If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
