even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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