My friends, they love my intelligence
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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