i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
