dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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