Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
