And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
