you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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