FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
