Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
