I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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