I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
