I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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