the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
