i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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