He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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