I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
