i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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