its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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