Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
