That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
