He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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