I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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