sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize