my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
