The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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