I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
