I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
