Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
