I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
