I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
