if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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