Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
