just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
