It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
