I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
youre lurking in front of me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
