Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
