I hate your face
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
