I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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