The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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