I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
