I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
