I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
