Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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