I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
