I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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