I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
