I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
