I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
