I love black thongs
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
