I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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