Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
