im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
