chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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