I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
