WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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