In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
